I Must Be Over-Medicated.

I have been numb for too long.

Too silent, too still; I have seen how it’s worn on Alyssa, how it pushed her to be stronger than she had to be while I continuously fell apart.

She wasn’t allowed the weakness that she allowed me, and she broke, for a moment, with Ivory.

I can’t even be jealous – I only regret that it came to that. I should have been there for her.

But, because she was pushed, and pushed again, with no reprieve, Alyssa snapped.

“You can’t put this all on me! You can’t keep going freaking mute, like you think avoiding it will help!”

They probably could hear her yelling at me throughout the entire hostel.

“I just can’t talk about Blair,” I tried to reply – it took ages to find my voice.

“Oh, you can’t? I’m so sorry, that was so inconsiderate of me! You can’t talk about Blair!” I could tell, the fact that she didn’t have anything in her hands to break was only infuriating her more. “You can’t talk about Blair – maybe if you just avoid the subject forever, you’ll forget that xe’s gone!”

She slipped; she’d pronounced it ‘she’. We had always been careful, when saying that aloud, to make it sound different.

I don’t know why that bothered me so much.

Well – that’s a lie, I do know.

Regardless, I responded poorly; I snapped at her.

“Maybe I’d rather forget!”

She slapped me.

I deserved it.

Alyssa stormed out – not before getting the last word, yelling through the door, “For a guy who said he’s so fucking sick of his amnesia, you sure as hell aren’t trying to remember the good things.”

I couldn’t follow her; I’m still on that IV.

I didn’t think it wise, anyway, and I deserve to be alone.

At the very least… I don’t deserve this situation. I honestly don’t know for certain whether or not I’m dreaming – as I type this, I know that parts of reality must be incorrect.

Blair cannot be smiling at me from where xe stands, outside the window.

I must be hallucinating.