10.1; I can't lose him

I don’t want to talk about today.

I’ll write about it, because I need to occupy my brain before

It’s worse. It got worse. I’m stupid I’m so, so stupid and I don’t know what to do fuck, I’m dangerous I shouldn’t be around people and I’ve known that for years, how could I have fucked it up so bad, I just

I didn’t want to hurt Curtis, I was scared for him. The fuck-up doctor Ivory agreed to do the procedure, and now they’re just prepping everything. Naturally, since I’ve felt the need to break her face for the past few weeks anyway, I was like, “If you’re seriously going through with this I’m finding out more about this surgery,” and Curtis may be a bit better but he’s still so annoyingly detached about everything which makes me wonder if he’d even care what I did

I found Ivory. I got…aggressive. I needed to know that she wouldn’t fuck mess it up like she did with Blair, because I’ll be damned if I lose them both. Losing her was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, worse than all the Fear shit before, and if Curtis is gone too, I’ll break. I know I’ll break.

I already broke.

I was trying to ask her questions about how she was gonna go about this, and I might have cornered her, slammed my fist to the wall, because she was like, “You have every right to be mad, and I won’t stop you from yelling at me, but you’re bleeding,” and there were tears in her eyes, and my hand had splintered the wall. There was blood.

And then so much more blood. I just

I slipped.

What the fuck can I say to Curtis…

What if I lose him too?

Dispute Against Madness