My Silence.

I apologize for my prolonged silence.

Words have been difficult to muster.

I

I’ve especially had difficulty speaking to Alyssa, or looking her in the eye, after all that happened; knowing the feelings she was developing for Blair, knowing that she knew about mine, and I am entirely certain that we are both still wishing that we’d been the one to die in Blair’s stead.

I can’t look her in the face now, either, also knowing how ashamed we both are.

I had not left this room in days; a very predictable target. The door and windows have already been breached repeatedly, items belonging to Blair being left at the foot of my bed – including things we burned with xim.

It should have come as no surprise that Daisy Chain managed to find a way inside.

I knew it was her despite never having seen her before. Stiff, taut skin that looked wooden to the touch – and felt that way, nearly, it was akin to touching a marionette – and without a single hair on her body.

No eyelashes, no eyebrows, and when she removed her hat, there wasn’t a single hair on her head. When she removed her long coat, there wasn’t a hair anywhere else, either.

Her smile. Lips painted a too-bright shade of pink, green pasted on her eyelids.

She had a string of stems, tied together into a thin, breakable rope; it should have been breakable, I should rectify that statement. She looped it around my neck and pulled me forward, with a girlish giggle that made my stomach turn.

“You’ve waited a long time for a lady’s touch, haven’t you?” her voice was too high. It sounded forced. “Or for It to touch you. I went and ruined that, didn’t I?”

I couldn’t speak to her.

“You don’t belong here. You belong on our side. So what if you left the Archive? You’re still a Proxy. You’re just like me, and Ruby.”

She kissed me. I couldn’t even pull away. I didn’t have the strength.

“Ruby wouldn’t mind meeting you, too!” she giggled, and it sounded like a screech. “Would you like that? Boys like you don’t get chances like this, do they?”

The door burst open.

What happened next is…unclear to me. Alyssa is still bleeding from the nose, and the window has been destroyed; she tells me that I fought Daisy Chain off, and when she turned on Alyssa, I grabbed her and threw her out the window.

I followed, it seems, but Daisy Chain fled. I had to go back to the front doors and request that John let me back in.

I’ve given my word that I will repair the window and help fortify the hostel.

Now that Daisy Chain has found us, I don’t know what good it will do.